So this morning I got up early and checked my mail to see if I could catch a ride to work, which I apparently couldn't (mostly because I foolishly forgot to ensure a ride while I was at work), so I went back down to sleep for 15 minutes and got up again and went down to the metro, or the light rail, or whatever they call the underground train over here. I got on the train and headed to the ferry building, it was cloudy but it wasn't raining which was nice compared to yesterday where I was very wet when I finally got to work.
I got to the ferry building and saw the ferry was not in yet, so I got myself a cup of coffee and a ham and cheese croissant in peet's coffee, the croissant was good, but the coffee had a strange after-taste that somehow reminded me of the hostel I stayed at the first weekend, anyway, when I had got my breakfast the ferry was just about docked and I got to the gate, what I haven't told you these last few days because I am cutting down on the amount of text I am writing is that I got something called a clipper card now, it is free, and for some reason all public transportation is just about half price with this thing, so yay for me!
I drank the rest of my coffee aboard the ferry, and was a bit cross about the fact that there was no pretty girls on board today, yesterday I saw seals swimming around, today I didn't see any marine animals except for the birds on the surface which doesn't count. Still waiting for a great white to jump up into the air grabbing a seal like I've seen on tv, but I guess there is not deep enough waters for them to do so in the bay area, though I have seen on the internet that they can be found here.
I walked the one-hour long walk to work, and saw that unlike yesterday where it rained the latin americans were out standing around as usual despite the grey and boring weather, when I got to work I was still a little early, bu only around five minutes. For lunch I went with the layout guys to a bagel shop and got a bagel chicken sandwich with cheese and jalapeños on top, it was good. I also got a lemonade, it was so concentrated I had to drink it half-n-half (half water), before it tasted like I think it should.
I caught a ride home with Pete and he said he would pick me up at 9 tomorrow morning, which is great! Then I got down in my room, since no one is home and began writing a story about a guy who loves the sea, and now this diary page! Next step is a shower and then I might head out and find some food, but I am not really hungry, which I guess is a good thing, because I have no idea where to find food around here, and as previously established, my navigational skills are not as good as the bagel sandwich I got for lunch!
This is the Short story I wrote (and before people read too much into it; no it is not related to me but you, yes you!):
I love the sea, in fact I always wanted to become a sailor, but my parents told me I was too talented in school to be a sailor, I guess in some respects they were right, if you have talents you do not use they are wasted away and not helping the world, like they could have, I have always known, that no matter what I did in life I would succeed, I was the top of my class in almost all the classes I had, except I never really could muster any enthusiasm for literature or language before I got older.
But I was also very good at making friends and I was well liked, which is an important part of achieving what you want, unless you can do it without any help or business deals.
But I really do love the sea, my parents both has high income jobs, and have always supported me financially and emotionally, they weren't always there, but neither were they gone when I needed them, one might say they were away the perfect amount. When I had my first serious girlfriend over they were away so we could spend our time alone and get to know each other, the second time my mother was home so they could meet, but left while she was there so we ended up being alone for a while, and around the tenth time she came by both my parents were there, and she was comfortable with them at this point having met them under less pressure than when I met her parents, which was the first night I came to her place, we had a very awkward and quiet dinner, where all questions and attention were directed at me. It is like that for most people when they meet their first “in-laws”, but my parents were around the perfect amount.
When I was ten I talked my parents into going on a cruise, not that I actually wanted to go on a cruise, but because they didn't feel like bringing a ten-year-old on a trip around the world in a wooden ship, as I actually asked for, of course they were completely right, the cruise came to a handful of different locations, always with a handful of things to see, all of which we had planned on the way to each location, the cruise was on a very tight schedule and we always had to be on board one hour before leaving just to be sure they wouldn't leave port without us, it was a great trip and though I was just ten years old I still sometimes bring it up as the perfect wholesome vacation, and I just remembered how well it depicts my current situation, and my life in general.
My love for the sea has a lot to do with the way my life turned out I guess, I never really understood it before recently when I became interested in language and literature, but I have never felt true uncertainty, due to good judgment, good parents, good skill-set and a good life, I have never been in a situation where I feared for my life, was afraid of anything truly horrible happening, or stood with a choice that could have severe effect on my life. Of course I have felt nervous before meeting a girl, or going to a final exam, but I have rarely ever failed a test, and so far it seems girls always like me more than I like them, again I think this also have something to do with the sea and also my psyche.
I love the sea, but knowing that I am too smart to become a sailor, so I chose to become a marine biologist, I never thought about why, for some reason I chose to become a marine biologist when I was fourteen, and I've stuck with that ever since, my parents were just happy about me talking about something else than becoming a sailor, though they did urge me to become a scientist in chemistry or something similar when I became older, this was the only thing my parents never supported me in, not using your full potential, and though I did agree that it made sense, I never was able to let go of the idea of becoming a marine biologist, and since I was eighteen I began reading books about marine animals and plants, and began specializing in biology so I wouldn't waste too much of my potential.
I never liked reading fiction though, or watching tv for that matter, I always thought that it was better to have an adventure than it was to read about it, unless it had a factual lesson to teach like books on survival or books on expeditions, I never gave fiction credit for the lesson it actually taught us, how to understand other people. Weirdly enough this actually isn't what I learned from fiction, because I have never had trouble understanding other people, and how they felt, as I mentioned I have very good people skills, and I can usually tell what people think of me and each other pretty easily. No I have always been able to understand other people, the lesson I learned from fiction was to understand myself, I never realized that I didn't know why I loved the sea, and what was so attractive about the thought of being a sailor, I knew I could get higher paid jobs with the grades I was getting, I knew that being a sailor would cut me of socially, and I knew all the other drawbacks people told me about when I talked with them about becoming a sailor, but I never knew why I still had an incredible urge to do it anyway.
As I mentioned I always seem to like the girls I date less than they like me, I never understood why, or even questioned why, I just thought I was being too picky or always tried to ruin a good thing, because that was what my friends always told me, but it has always ended the same way, I broke up with them and most of our common friends all wanted to stay friends with me rather than the girls, it went as far once that I said no to a girl I really liked, because I was afraid the same thing would happen to her, but it happened anyway, she didn't feel comfortable around me, and our common friends still stuck with me, and for a while I became very guilt ridden and depressed, even though back then I didn't understand why, because I didn't stop to ask myself why.
But it all connects to my love of the sea, or more importantly why I love the sea, as we have established I have always felt secure, I have always had viable options, both in terms of professionally, socially and in my love life. I have always known that I would end up as a marine biologist, though many has come with suggestions for higher paid jobs, or jobs that were more challenging. Every aspect of my life has seemed to be fated, in the sense that everything turned out great, unless of course you knew what I felt like, which I never did until recently.
I have never been able to complain about my life, I have never been uncertain of my future, I have never been afraid that I would be alone unless I wanted to be alone, that is why I love the sea.
While standing on a boat looking out at the waves falling upon each other, I finally understood that. And only weeks before that had I asked the question; “Why did I chose become a marine biologist”, I did not ask because I regretted it, but because I honestly did not know, I knew I wanted to be a marine biologist, but though that had been enough for a long time, I knew then that it wasn't the real answer, neither was it because I liked animals, or even that I was fascinated by them, the answer was simply because I love the sea, and wouldn't become a sailor and waste my potential.
That realization lead to other realizations, I had always been dating girls that were suitable for a relationship, and while I liked all of them, I never really loved any of them, because they were reliable and steady, like the rest of my life was reliable and steady. What I came to realize is that I loved what I never had, the mysterious, untamable and chaotic sea. I came to the conclusion that all the decisions I have made in my life I didn't really understand made sense seen in the light that I have been seeking the things I never had, uncertainty, chaos and all that. It was strange to me, all of the sudden I began realizing how little I had truly moved through this world, though I was where I belonged; somewhere between science and the sea, I had really come no where before now when it cam to the journey within myself, I have never known who I was, only what I could do and what I wanted, but never how or why. I know now.
